I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week