Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Terribly Tuesday.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.