People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.