I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.


Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.


*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China


Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.


Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!


I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”