@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

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@LurkAtHomeMom

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@samalmightysam

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@ollkorrect0

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

@12spoopy11u

Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.

@Kyle_Raney

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@jellybnbonanza

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.