The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
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“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
Me: we’re in China
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.