Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
scared to check what name she chose
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands