@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.

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@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@JonnyStallone

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”

@muyrando

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

@DrakeGatsby

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@better_off_dad

Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I’m sorry?

Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@1_swarthy_dude

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs