First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep