I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
I have a gut feeling about you.
It’s called nausea.
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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
N: SeNd NeWDs