I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok