I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I basically called this earlier today
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?