I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You Might Also Like
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*