I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You Might Also Like
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
giddy up Office Depot
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
neighborhood watch
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.