Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.