I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.