Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

Talk about a bad egg

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?