I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”