I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?