I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.