Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Living the best life.. 😊

*serious situation*

My brain:

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.