Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

This one’s “Alex”.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!