“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
You Might Also Like
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁