Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

yeah 😭

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.