@aka_fatman

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

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@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@Marlebean

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@Kryzazy

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

@roxiqt

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

@Jewbekah

Your tattoo says “only god can judge me” yet here i am….

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@theroyaltramp

Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.