*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Your tattoo says “only god can judge me” yet here i am….
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
Why don’t I have Snapchat? Because I don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have to look good while doing it.