“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
You Might Also Like
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
every college guy’s fridge
I forgot how to panic. Help
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”