Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

black phone good

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH