I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality