“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
#Caturday
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.