“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.