I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You Might Also Like
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.