Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

what do you want

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.