I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.