@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

- @sixfootcandy

You Might Also Like

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

@QwertyJones3

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

@TakeForGrantd

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@LittleMissAngr1

I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.