I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
the duality of man
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*