I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You’re never alone. Theres mold
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
