I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Always 🥴
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
