I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.