I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.