Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Don’t talk down to me

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

That’s not how days work.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)