Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language