Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match