Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

My circle of trust is a meatball

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.