I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.