I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.