I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Never forget.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day