Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Imagine having a party on purpose.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.