I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see