Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”