I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
That’s commitment
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Oh boy, $150,000!
