I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.