I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?