Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

I have many caverns

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?