Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

how to market bottled water to dads

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…