Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second