Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

Driving in Europe vs Canada