Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet