Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

eating my hot dog hamburger style

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

“i miss shittin on people”