Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!