I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.