Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

this is the best day of my life

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Jurassic park gets weird