i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
The Sun
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
every olympics i turn into this guy
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
