Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂