i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot