I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.