Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

O Wise One….