I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
You Might Also Like
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
that’s really how it is
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait