Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?