i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
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I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
grandpa was shocked
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I think this cat is broken
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
#NoRestForTheWicked
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?