i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about