i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*