i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
the three genders
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
how long have you had this for?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I identify as an antique shop.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
This one never gets the credit it deserves
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?