I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
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.
.
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It’s Dublin.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’m literally crying
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.