Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Children of the corn 🌽

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.