I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies