Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

😭😭😭

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.