I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
You Might Also Like
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….