I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
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“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Okay
