I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
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Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: