‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.![]()
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Every damn time
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson