‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.