‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
why no one uses midhusbands
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments