I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
March 16
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.