I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
choose your fighter
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.