I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.