Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.