I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
You Might Also Like
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]