I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
not seeing the problem
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.